


Living Arrangements

by MaggieBee



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, Rogues Gallery, crackfic, expect a lot of bad jokes, this is very ridiculous I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-01 07:45:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6509152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaggieBee/pseuds/MaggieBee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arkham is short on funding and to save money, the inmates have to share cells from now on. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Me and my best friend were watching Batman & Robin, and at the very end there's a scene where they assign Mr. Freeze as Poison Ivy's new cell mate. We thought this idea was so hilariously funny (cell mates, honestly, Arkham?) that we started pairing up the rogues and thinking of what could go wrong.  
> After a while we started writing it all down and this is the outcome.  
> This is a pure crackfic and I hope you can get a good laugh out of it. We're definitely having the greatest time writing it.

Last July, after the fourth mass break out of the month, Arkham Asylum all of a sudden found itself short on funding (not that they’d had a lot of funding to begin with, but still). More and more sponsors refused to support a mental institution that couldn’t even hold onto their patients for a whole week, and so Arkham’s management was facing some severe problems.

They thought about saving money on the food, but the food in the cafeteria was already so bad they couldn’t possibly get anything cheaper without serving their patients cardboard.

Employing fewer doctors was also not an option – they were already severely understaffed due to the fact that nobody wanted to work at Arkham Asylum for very obvious reasons. They couldn’t afford to fire any security guards either, because with at least two break outs every month that would frankly just have been an extremely stupid decision.

After two weeks of board meetings without coming up with anything close to a solution, Dr. Jeremiah Arkham was about to give up. He saw little to no way to save the asylum with so little access to money.

Then one day, Hugo Strange, one of his doctors, came to him with an idea that sounded too insane even for the management of an insane asylum:

“Cell mates.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“It would solve close to all of our problems”, Strange insisted, “we would need less security, because there’s half as many cells to be guarded, we could save electricity and water, and if we cut the therapy sessions short and offer more group therapy, then we can even fire some doctors.”

Had Jeremiah Arkham not been in a situation as hopeless as the one he was in, he would have said no without thinking about it. But in this case, he really had nothing to lose.

 

“Cell mates? Dr. Arkham, I think you might be losing it. Are you sure you don’t want to share a cell with one of our patients as well?”

Joan Leland was anything but thrilled by her boss’ newest idea, but even she had to admit that they were out of other options.

“How are we even going to handle this? Our patients are going to kill each other in their sleep.”

Jeremiah sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“Maybe, but at least that would save us some expenses.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“I completely agree, but we have no other choice. Make me a list of patients that are least likely to kill or severely hurt each other. We’re setting everything into motion tomorrow.”

 

After a morning filled with complaints, attempted murder, some tears (both from staff members and from inmates), and more complaints, they had everybody settled into their new cells by the early afternoon.

Within ten minutes, Firefly and Mr. Freeze were fighting over the thermostat, the Scarecrow was trying to smother the Mad Hatter with a pillow when he wouldn’t stop reciting Alice in Wonderland, the Joker and Harley Quinn were in the midst of their sixty-fifth relationship crisis and Killer Croc and Poison Ivy had teamed up to permanently shut up the Riddler.

So all in all, it was going better than expected. Arkham Asylum was saving money, nobody had died (yet) and Jeremiah Arkham was able to sleep at night again. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapters will be posted every few days, since we're still in the process of writing this. We took turns with writing the chapters - the first one was written by me. They're probably going to be kept rather short, but there will be regular updates I hope.  
> Tell us what you think! :)


	2. One plus One is Three

Harvey and Two-Face rolled over in their king-sized marriage bed. Both of them tried to pull the blankets towards them and for an obvious reason they were the first couple in history to share them in peace.

The Joker was screaming next-door. Couldn’t this clown die of his stupidity already? Along with Julian Day, Two-Face's annoying roommate, if possible.

“Hey, Harv. Nice day today, isn't it?.”

“Yes, Day. Wonderful day today.”

Julian looked up to his calendars and ripped off the first pages to reveal today’s date.

“Today is the day of friendship. I suppose you could be a bit friendlier then.”

Harvey snorted.

“Shut the hell up.”

Calendar Man painted a red cross in the box of July 30th. Then he took his riddle-calendar off the wall. Edward had given it to him for his birthday once. Chewing on his pencil, he tried to solve the Sudoku.

Meanwhile Two-Face had a discussion with himself, whether he should wear his red or his black shirt. Julian knew that it would take a while and as soon as the two of him would finally come to a conclusion, there was a choice to be made about the trousers as well.

“Why don’t you just do it like me? I got one set of clothing for each day of the week.”

“Yeah, but you are a freak, Julian.”

“Hey, I told you. Since we are roommates, you can call me July.”

“For sure, we won’t.”

Harvey went back to arguing with himself.

After what seemed like hours to Calendar Man, Two-Face found a solution for his problem. Each of them was to choose either the shirt or the trousers and so both were quite happy. The only problem was that Harvey and Two-Face didn’t share their preference of color. The red shirt and the green trousers made them look like a Christmas elf.

Julian looked up and realized that Dent’s calendar – the one he had bought specifically for his new friend – was still on yesterday’s date.

“You forgot to tear off the sheet”, he said and pointed to it.

“Why do you always notice?”

Julian grinned.

Harvey walked over and ripped off the paper. Unfortunately, Two-Face did the same.

“What are you doing?” Calendar Man couldn’t believe his eyes. Within seconds he was on his feet and ran over to the other man. He wrestled the slip of paper from the burned hand and desperately tried to make it stick back to the calendar.

“No! Now everything is ruined!"

“Stop crying", Two-Face sighed, "At least now I don’t have to do it again tomorrow.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter written not by me, but by my lovely best friend. So, if you noticed a different writing style, there's the reason.  
> From now on chapters will focus on two or three characters each time to introduce you to the different living arrangements. Tell us what you think! :)


	3. Clowning Around

Harley was gazing longingly across the hallway into Two-Face's and Calendar Man's room. The door was open, because the two of them were being escorted to the cafeteria for lunch. Harley and the Joker weren't allowed to go to the cafeteria, because – in the words of the head therapist – the Joker was an insufferable asshole. Harley technically was allowed to go, but if the doctors thought she'd spend one second away from her puddin', they were even crazier than she was.

Still, now that the door to the opposite room was wide open she could clearly see inside.

“It's so unfair”, she complained, “why does Ugly-Face get a whole king size bed to himself? It's not like he has to share it with anyone.”

She crossed her arms, sat down onto the floor and pouted. The Joker ignored her, an art he had mastered over the past few years. For a whole week now Harley had been complaining about the fact that instead of a king size bed they had gotten two small ones. So far he hadn't dared to tell her that he had specifically requested that arrangement. Now that he was forced to spend every waking hour of the day with her, without the possibility of throwing her out when she got annoying, the last thing he needed was for her to even nag him when he was trying to sleep.

“Mistah J?”

He was on the bed, eyes closed and pretended not to hear her.

“Mistah J, I'm bored.”

He would have continued to ignore her, had he not had such a wonderful idea at that very moment.

In a swift motion he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

“Do you want to see something fun, pumpkin pie?”

Harley nodded frantically and excitedly clapped her hands.

“Watch this”, he said and took a few long strides over to one end of their room.

He banged his fist against the wall with all the force he could muster.

“Hey Nygma!” he shouted at the top of his lungs, “what hangs on the wall, goes tick-tock, and when it falls down the clock is broken?”

On the other side of the wall, they could hear the Riddler make a few incomprehensible sounds, like he was in severe pain.

“I think he’s havin’ a stroke, puddin’.”

Harley was giggling.

The Joker banged against the wall once more.

“Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?” he shouted.

“Fuck you!” was all that came back, and there were a few thuds that sounded like Eddie was banging his head against the wall.

“Because he’s dead!” the Joker screamed back and erupted into an obnoxious fit of laughter.

“Oh, oh!” he added excitedly, wiping away a few tears of laughter, “why did the chicken fall out of the tree?”

There was no response, probably because Eddie had started to cry silently.

“I know, I know!” Harley started jumping up and down excitedly and raised her hand as high as she could as if she was in school, “because it was stapled to the monkey!”

“Someone please kill me”, Eddie muttered on the other side of the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least with these two clowns I feel like I'm in familiar territory when it comes to pinning down their characters :'D


	4. Hot and Cold

„Can I have your blanket?“, Firefly asked timidly.

“Sure. Catch.”

Freeze didn’t even look up and tossed the bed sheet towards his roommate.

“Thank you, Victor.”

Victor turned around and tried to fall back asleep. It felt like he was sweating, but let’s stay serious. Why did he always lose the heated discussions against Garry about the setting of the thermostat? Which sadistic asshole would put them together in one room anyway? He couldn’t catch a cold, but every now and then Victor was afraid he had a hot. He threw a quick look at his watch. Five more hours of sleep. That was the first good news within three days. Victor turned around once more. Garry was lying in his bed, comfortably cuddled between his two blankets and with a satisfied smile on his face.

 

“Good morning!”

Victor was woken up by the clown who was yelling like every morning, just so everyone knew he was a jerk.

He got out of bed and searched underneath it for his socks. They had little holes all over them, so they were not really warming his feet. Freeze yawned.

“Garfield. Wake up.”

Firefly tried to free himself from the mess of bed sheets for a few minutes. Sitting on his bed, he put on his favorite sweater with little flames on it and hopped into his fire red, very comfortable trousers. One of those saggy ones the cool guys were always wearing while skateboarding.

Victor just shook his head. The room was heated to 77 degrees and this guy still dressed like he was about to go skiing at the north pole. In a heavy snowstorm. At least, that was the vacation Freeze was dreaming about. Yes, a vacation sounded be so great right then.

Outside the cell someone walked by, and then stopped in front of the door. A strong fist hammered against the metal.

“It’s open”, Garfield yelled. Victor wondered, if he was just stupid or still half asleep. 

“Listen, you two climate freaks. Dr. Arkham says, if you use so much electricity on the heating, he has to shorten your meals, because we can’t afford it. You know that. So, it’s your decision.”

The roommates looked at each other. Victor lifted an eyebrow.

“I mean, I _have_ eaten a little too much the past weeks", Firefly muttered, "I could go without food for a little while...”

“Turn…it…down.”

Firefly hurried towards the wall and turned the little button.

“74?”

“Down”, Freeze was starting to get angry.

“Okay, okay. 70?”

With a sigh, Victor leaned back against the wall and nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another hilarious chapter written by my friend :)  
> Pairing wise, this was just the most ridiculous and strategically stupidest thing we could come up with. Arkham needs to get their shit together.


	5. Welcome to Wonderland

“We’re all mad here.”

“Jervis, I swear to God-“

“I’m mad, you’re mad-“

“Jervis!”

A bit disgruntled, the Mad Hatter fell into silence again.

Jonathan sighed. He was already incredibly tired of hearing the same Alice in Wonderland quotes again and again, hour after hour, and he hadn’t even shared a room with Jervis for a whole week. He threw a suspicious look at his roommate to make sure he was really shutting up and then immersed himself into his book again.

“You know, Jonathan, it would be greatly appreciated if you showed a little more gratitude for the wonderful works of Lewis Carroll.”

Jonathan grumbled quietly.

“It would be greatly appreciated if you were less of a pain in the ass”, he said, his nose as deep inside his book as it would go.

“If everyone minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does”, Jervis muttered.

Jonathan had to keep himself from throwing away his book and strangling his roommate until his world permanently stopped going around forever.

The last time he physically attacked Jervis because he had gone on his nerves, the doctors had forced him to attend group therapy along with Killer Croc, Mr. Freeze and the Joker, which had been the worst one and a half hours of his life. Freeze had spent the first hour crying about his wife, while Croc had attempted to take a bite out of their therapist multiple times. Meanwhile, the Joker had found immense pleasure in telling Freeze how jealous he was of him, and how nice it had to be to have his wife frozen in a block of ice, where she couldn't talk. No, Jonathan didn't need any more of that circus.

But what had he been supposed to do? He had told Jervis at least five times that he didn't want to attend his tea party. They didn't even have any tea in their room. Or any teacups for that matter. All Jervis had been doing, was sitting by himself on the floor next to his bed drinking imaginary tea.

“If you don't know where you are going, any road can take you there.”

Jonathan groaned.

“Sadly Jervis, none of us ever seem to know where we are going, and we always end up right here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never thought I'd spent half an hour of my life looking for fitting Alice in Wonderland quotes.


	6. Going Green

„When the day after tomorrow is yesterday, today will be as far away from Wednesday as today was from Wednesday when the day before yesterday was tomorrow. What day is today?”

“It’s the day I shove an entire rose up your ass, thorns and all, if you don’t immediately shut up.”

Pamela chucked a pillow at Eddie, but unfortunately missed his head by about an inch.

“Stop fighting. Croc don’t like it.”

Edward tried to throw Ivy's pillow back, yet it landed on the floor about half way. Killer Croc laughed.

At the same time, an orderly handed a big tray through the little window in the door. There were three plates with food on it. Their meals consisted of a chop of pork meat and sides of broccoli and rice.

“Why don’t we eat in the cafeteria with the others?”, Ivy asked.

A voice from behinde the door answered: “Since Killer Croc tried to bite the cook the last time because he wanted more meat and everyone's glad not to have to breathe the same air as Nygma, well… It’s just a precaution for the staff until we get the new iron rods.”

Edward crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked miffed.

Killer Croc immediately took the meat off the Riddler’s plate and shoved his broccoli onto his instead. Ivy also happily gave her vegetables to him. She would never eat her babies.

“I hate broccoli.”

Eddie took the first bite and made a disgusted face. Waylon was already done with his meal and asked for more.

“Why do I have to eat this shit?”

“Hey, those are my little Sweeties. Watch out what you say.”

"You're not eating them either!"

“Want more. Croc wants meat.”

“Yes, Waylon. We know. Just eat Eddie instead.”

Killer Croc looked at Nygma and pulled a face.

“No, that is disgusting.”

Ivy smiled a satisfied smile. She cut off a piece of meat and chewed with pleasure. Carefully she spit out a bit of cilantro. How had she missed that?

 

Later in the afternoon, Dr. Strange came for a visit. They talked about the new living situation and how the three of them were handling it so far. Well, Eddie wanted to complain, but he was too afraid Waylon would bite off a piece of his arm. So he stayed quiet. Ivy and Croc asked, if it was absolutely necessary to have Eddie in a room with them. Why had anyone thought this was a good idea?

“I see, what your problem is. This room has a clear lack of solidarity."

Eddie snorted. Was he trying to indicate any of the other rooms actually got along?

"Maybe, we can arrange some extra activities for you. A project, if you’d like.”

“A project? Like knitting or Baseball?”

“Croc don’t like Baseball. Croc like meat.”

“I’m not a sports fan either”, Edward confessed.

“I thought about something else”, Hugo Strange went on. “How about you guys agree on a nice color and we get you some paint to brighten up your cell?”

“Painting our room green?”

“If green is your color of choice."

Eddie knew this was probably a stupid idea, but he still felt a little excited when he thought about having a green room. Maybe they'd even let him add a few question marks. But then again, it was rather unlikely considering that Ivy and Croc only bonded over being mean to him.

Eddie sighed. It had been a long day, and it didn't look like the following days would be any shorter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only reason we put those three together was that they're all, well... green.


End file.
